They had been living together for several weeks. Brother Sebastian/Snakefoot had not laid a hand on her. She was surprised and relieved. Lately, however, she sensed his attitude toward her changing. He did not seem quite so ardent. His diminishing attention matched the swelling of her abdomen. Meetings at church took more and more of his time. Rare dinners together were glum and silent.
"Is there something bothering you?" she finally asked.
"Don't you think it's time you made a decision?
Mary was taken aback by the question. The relative security she was enjoying caused her to think less about having an abortion. A non-decision was on the way toward becoming a decision.
"I...I haven't thought much about it ... lately."
"Well maybe you should."
"What are you saying?"
"Have you thought about what it means for my ministry? For us?"
"I just assumed -- no, I guess I haven't."
"I guess I haven't," Snakefoot snarled. "I think it's time you should."
-----
Not for the first time in her life, Mary felt despair. She had lulled herself into a fantasy -- a fantasy that she could enjoy a more or less normal life -- a man, a baby, a home. Now she was being forced to face a harsh decision. No one to help her. No support. She felt groundless; tossed in the air; feet not touching firm earth. She vomited. "What to do? I don't know. Is it a baby? I don't know. A girl? A boy? Human?" Suddenly her thoughts reeled; recoiled; terrified. "They say it's a choice. Some say it's a sin. I don't know. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!" Mary's thoughts went round and round like a gerbil in a cage. "I'll think about it later. No -- he wants me to decide now...Now." She vomited again. Her insides quivered and shrank. She was empty; drifting; floating...
[Mary was drifting, floating. She was parched, dry, empty, hungry. She struggled to open her eyes. They were heavy as lead. It took all of her strength, all of her willpower to pry them open just a slit. She could not make out any shape. She sensed a rolling motion; to and fro. Finally she took her fingers and forced her lids open. She saw a vast nothing. Slowly her world came into vision. She was on the ocean. She felt roughness and saw that she was on a piece of wood being gently rocked by waves. She was hungry, thirsty, exhausted. She tried to sleep. Let me wake up and be safe be safe be safe. But she could not sleep. Suddenly her eyes saw something sinister; dark; circling. A dark triangle. Then another and another. Circling; threatening. They wanted something...something. Frantically, she looked around her raft, all alone in the middle of a heartless ocean. She groped and felt something soft. A peace offering. Something to sacrifice. She clutched at it. Without hesitation she threw it to the circling horde. There was a rush and hideous splashing and swirling. The dark shapes subsided. Mary was safe...]
Mary woke up sobbing; sobbing so hard her inside ached. She vomited. She vomited again. Again. Again. She was empty, dry and still she vomited.
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