Chapter 80: Produce or perish

Screwtape sat alone in his cavernous office. He hadn't heard from the Chief in days. Not that that was unusual. The Chief rarely communicated with upper devils, not even heads of large districts like Screwtape. This Mary case had Screwtape seriously worried. He was beginning to suspect that the Chief was taking a personal interest in the case -- maybe even actively involved. What if Screwtape were, unknowingly, working at odds to the Chief's wishes?
   "We're pretty much on our own," Screwtape mused. "Eat or be eaten. Give the Chief his sweets or face the consequences, without warning. One moment, you're a fat and happy demon, the next you find yourself in his talons, your head rolling around in his stomach. No yearly evaluation, no guidance on how to improve one's output -- just instant judgment. Where did he learn his management skills?" Screwtape thought disrespectfully. He shivered, suddenly fearing his thoughts might be monitored.
   Whenever he felt afraid, Screwtape became enraged, violent. He picked up the phone. "Get me Snakefoot," he barked to Miss Caliente. Seconds later Snakefoot was on the line.
   "Yes?" Snakefoot said, fearing the worst.
   "The Chief and I are very dissatisfied with you -- VERY dissatisfied," Screwtape said. Snakefoot was silent. "Nothing to say for yourself? Well there's nothing to say, is there? You bungled an important assignment. You know the punishment for failure." Screwtape let the threat hang in the air.
   Finally, Snakefoot found the courage to speak. "We...we have a plan."
   "We?" Screwtape asked.
   "I'm working with Glubwart," Snakefoot said, hoping to share some of the blame.
   Screwtape snorted. "Two headfarts are better than one, is that it?"
   "We're going to establish a foundation," Snakefoot said. "...to aid caregivers with the difficulties of dealing with conjoined twins. Get them to come to us. The Enemy has built an impenetrable wall around them. We hope to entice them to come out."
   Screwtape snorted again. "Hope in one hand and shit in the other. See which one fills up first." Secretly, though, Screwtape was impressed. He decided not to summon Snakefoot to his demise. Let this play out; give it a little time. "The clock is ticking," he finally said. I'd better see some results -- soon!"